As more millennials begin to recognize that dying of lung disease is actually pretty obnoxious, the need for an adequate cigarette substitute has become increasingly important. The shift away from chain-smoking began when one of the main characters in the hit network series ‘Going Nowhere’ suddenly died of emphysema. The abrupt death of this character, played by Jude Law, lead to a widespread awareness that government officials are now calling “fucking retarded”.
“I honestly can’t believe that it took Jude Law dying in a shitty television show to teach children that smoking is dangerous,” states Massachusetts Governor, Terry Bradshaw. “We have been pouring billions of dollars into preventative advertising for decades. Literally fuck Jude Law. Fuck Jude Law in the bleached, British asshole.” In any case, smoking cigarettes has once again become ‘uncool’, and because we are living in what psychologists are calling a replacement era, simply quitting altogether is out of the question.
We Are Living in What Psychologists Call a ‘Replacement Era’
Confirming the need for replacement, Delray Beach resident Mark Spaghetti states, “Like, I’m so used to having something in my mouth all the time that, like, having something NOT in my mouth like… freaks me out.” We managed to track down one individual who had quit smoking without beginning to vape. This individual, who wishes to remain anonymous, was banished from North America soon after his fellow citizens learned that he had quit smoking without a replacement. “He is a witch,” one shocked neighbor reported. “He seemed like such a nice guy, but he is a witch, and he will burn in hell forever.”
We were fortunate enough to sit down for an intimate interview this individual, who now lives in a yurt in Indonesia. When asked how he managed to quit smoking without beginning to vape, he simply stated, “Will you please get the fuck out of my yurt, I honestly don’t understand what is happening. Will someone please tell me why this is happening to me.”
Quitting Smoking Without Starting to Vape is Rare – But Possible
Yes, vaping is gaining rampant popularity amongst teenagers, young adults, and old people alike. Viewed as a healthier alternative to smoking cigarettes, vape stores have begun to pop up across the nation. Clever entrepreneurs are beginning to develop organic vape juice (fuck off), and high-tech vaporizers are being sold for millions of dollars on the black market. But how much safer is vaping than sucking down a pack a day?
Is America walking around with its head in the clouds?
Ralph Walden, Ph.D. of the Lung Association of Lung Health in Harlem, New York suggests that maybe this chic new trend is doing more harm than good. “People are vaping inside, outside,” the doctor states. “Going to museums and vaping, vaping in doorways – this is no good.” The doctor shared with us five major vape-related health problems that are just beginning to be widely documented. After taking an honest gander at these shocking symptoms of #cloudlife, you may decidedly reconsider your replacement of choice. We hope you are sitting down.
Vape-Related Health Problems
- Prostate Diminution
Upon repeated vaping, the prostate will begin to shrink and shrivel. Soon the prostate will resemble a sick little peanut that someone dropped into the couch a couple of years ago. If prostate diminution is not treated, the prostate will fall off and roll away. Eventually, if excessive vaping is continued for a prolonged period of time, a small slit will begin forming in the pelvic skin where the prostate once was. Some medical professionals refer to this slit as the “vapegina”.
- Decreased Sexual Appeal
The more an individual vapes, the less sexually appealing he or she will become to members of the opposite sex (or members of the same sex, in the case of homosexuality). Perceived reproductive value will become harshly stunted, and getting laid even once a year will become an insurmountable obstacle. Some medical professionals believe that this is due to masturbatory residue – vape juice is transferred from the predominant hand onto the genitalia, repelling potential mates. No one wants to suck a dick that smells like ‘Mother’s Milk’, ‘Banana Nut Muffins’, ‘Skittles’, or ‘Dragon’s Blood’. Fucking weird. “Dick should smell like dick,” says Vanessa.
- Unexplained Breast Carcinoma (in men)
Non-cancerous tumors begin growing in the breasts of male vapers, leading to unsightly man tits.
- Occupational Transference
Many individuals who vape heavily for a prolonged period of time will find that they slowly transition from a respectable, high-paying occupation to a low-paying job in a fraudulent call center. While Occupational Transference is a common side effect of excessive vaping, it does not lead to any immediate health risks. However, the lifestyle of call center workers (daily Monster/Rockstar consumption, lack of physical activity, soulless manipulation of helpless diabetics) does lead to long-term issues. Issues such as cardiovascular disease and just being a fat, shitty person.
- Lethal Fuckboy Syndrome
Those who vape are prone to this condition, but those who invest in what are widely known as ‘mods’ are exceedingly more likely to develop Lethal Fuckboy Syndrome. The symptoms of this condition vary, but tend to include:
- Posting sexually derogatory and highly offensive memes on numerous social media outlets.
- Becoming a self-proclaimed ‘sneaker head’.
- Engaging in promiscuous sex despite working knowledge of an unresolved STD (which is treatable, but has not, for whatever reason, been ‘taken care of’).
- Acting cool and self-sufficient while asking “moms” for money on the regular.
- Leaving shitty tips.
While the concept of quitting smoking without continuing to smoke may seem illogical, it can and has been done. Before you ride your sweet scooter down to the vape store, ask yourself, “Is the inevitable vapegina really worth it?” Perhaps it is.
Perhaps you should stop being such a gaping pussy and quit like a goddamn man.
By Cayla Clark