Facts They Didn’t Want You to Know
Harambe, a 17-year-old silverback gorilla, unwittingly celebrated his final birthday only days before he was shot and killed amidst a screaming crowd of helpless onlookers at the Cincinnati Zoo. This unnecessary and violent murder made national headlines, spurring a ‘black lives matter’ movement and angering animal activists and equal rights enthusiasts across the globe. While zoo officials claimed that Harambe was shot in an effort to save the young man who had fallen into his enclosure, we (members of the general public), know in the pits of our souls that this horrifying incident was simply another government-orchestrated hate crime – and potentially the greatest act of internal terrorism this nation has ever witnessed.
We Still Miss You, You Big Ape
The young man who had ‘fallen’ into Harambe’s enclosure was later identified as 24-year-old Isaac O’Connor, graduate of Pembroke University in Tallahassee. O’Conner was hired by the CIA to commit voluntary suicide in exchange for a new Buick and $4,000 – neither of which he ultimately received. In an interview with FOX News, O’Connor’s heartbroken mother stated, “All suicide is voluntary, I think. I don’t understand why they’re calling it that.”
Several months after the emotionally scarring incident occurred, America is still reeling. Devastated millennials incessantly update their statuses, small business owners continue handing out free snow cones as a gesture of unwavering patriotism, and President Obama has made several appearances at other silverback enclosures, shaking hands with innumerable gorillas and repeatedly stating, “Our bad, you guys.” As a nation, we are trying to move on. We are trying to focus our attention on more pertinent matters, such as the upcoming presidential elections and why Ryan Lochte is such a lying sack of shit. But we cannot. We simply cannot move on from this tragedy. Perhaps this is because so many questions remain to be answered. Perhaps this is because we still do not know WHO Harambe truly was – what he stood for, and what he died for.
Dry Your Tears, Pussy Nation
In an effort to help America emotionally unhinge from what is now but a gloomy piece of history, we have dedicated the past several months to digging up the answers to the majority of these lingering questions. This, my friends and fellow Americans, is what the government did not want you to know.
10 Shocking Harambe Facts (From Least Shocking to Most Shocking)
- Harambe was an amazing cook, and hosted a huge Thanksgiving Luncheon alongside Rachel Ray for underprivileged postal workers every year.
- If you rearrange the letters in the name ‘Harambe’, you can spell ‘bear ham’ – a Nordic delicacy that is most commonly feasted upon during the offbeat holiday Lights Out Week. During this festive week of darkness, Nordic folk enjoy excessive amounts of bear ham and buttermilk, tell ghost stories, and try not to sleep with their relatives. But it is dark, so no one can ever be totally sure. Things get a little weird sometimes, but as the saying goes, “Ischbin Lachten Mullen Heim” – meaning, of course, “If I fuck my uncle in Lights Out Week this is okay and please pass the bear ham.”
- When Harambe was 12, he selflessly broke up a physical altercation between two members of Sum 41. He was deemed a hero by many and given a season pass to Warped Tour. He carried the season pass with him up until the day he died – in fact, it almost stopped the bullet. But it didn’t. Because bullets are stronger than paper.
- Harambe was raised by a single mother in the projects of Camden, where he worked as a Wawa attendant until he was taken into captivity (I mean, the zoo).
- The CIA first took interest in Harambe after he was stopped by the TSA on a flight from New Jersey to California. He was flying to Calabasas to meet his internet girlfriend in person for the first time, and was detained for several hours based on ‘suspicious behavior’. One TSA agent recalls, “He just kept screaming and shitting into his hand and throwing it at us.”
- Aside from being an avid reader and PS4 player, Harambe thoroughly enjoyed ballroom dancing and chocolate making. He had a taste for the finer things in life, and will always be remembered as an aristocrat and gentleman. In fact, many onlookers claim that Harambe was merely confusing Isaac O’Conner for a ballroom dance partner.
- The CIA got involved on a second occasion when Harambe was escorted from a popular nightclub for literally ruining everyone’s night. “He ruined my night,” said one club attendee. “He ruined my night also,” said another.
- One eye-witness claimed that Isaac O’Conner whispered something to Harambe before the silverback dragged him around his enclosure. Surveillance footage later showed that, in fact, O’Conner whispered, “I am your ballroom dance partner, you big stupid ape-looking gorilla. The CIA is going to murder you, happy 17th birthday you fucking loser. Your dad never even loved you. God save the queen.”
The truth is out – perhaps this will put an end to our seemingly incessant mourning. Sure, we will always fondly remember the beautiful, temperamental man that was Harambe Willis Jackson; but maybe now we can stop making memes so relentlessly. Maybe now we can fall asleep, knowing that Harambe died doing what it was he loved to do – dancing the night away with a dark-skinned stranger.
By Cayla Clark